Saturday, February 25, 2012

Houston, Do You Read Me?

I know that I probably shouldn't really expect anything, I just wonder if anybody  reads what I write on my blog?  Some might call that fishing for compliments, and well let them think that, because that's not where I'm coming from.

Along with profound changes in my life has come a new inner awareness, a new sense of self.  Perhaps "new" isn't accurate, I mean or more clearly and cleanly defined sense.  The "voice" I spoke of, in another post.  Even in light of everything that has happened, my diagnoses, my beginning and furtherance of mental, emotional and spiritual growth, I have my doubts.

For most of my life, no, all of it, I have been, and likely will remain somewhat socially and emotionally disconnected to the world "out there."  It can be terribly frustrating, to not only lack the language, but the ability to share with others the ups and downs of my "internal world."  No matter what emotional, mental, and spiritual work I engage in, I seem to always have the same stories, the same nagging beliefs that would challenge me...would assert that they are true with all evidence to the contrary.

I know quite a few people, but I can't say that I'm really close with anybody.  Along with my cACC comes a lot of difficulty with social situations.  Don't get me wrong, I can fake it.  People, at least at first glance see me just like anyone else...for a time.  Spend any time with me, and you'll see though that I can be quirky, sometimes inappropriate, by all appearances not tuned into what's really going on around me.  While I've come to (somewhat) comfortably accept this about myself there have been few in my life that have come to know this side of me, and stick around...and it gets lonely.

I tend to become even more socially isolating, in anticipation that people will not understand me, will treat me differently.  I've come to accept that a major factor in my not finding a life partner is the arrogance and judgement from many of  not having a "J.O.B." etc...  

I'm now 49 years old, almost 50...I don't expect miraculous changes...although I've had my share of seemingly miraculous.  But we work with what we have to work with.  Pretending to, (or other people insisting or pretending that) I can do something I can't, well, its insane.

I never really liked going out to clubs or bars anyway.  But it would look like this:  Me, this isolated person in the prison of his own mind amongst my peers...I'd almost literally sit in a corner and drink myself to oblivion thinking, I don't know, either this would make me more "social" (it didn't) or it would numb me to the pain fear and confusion of putting myself in the situation in the first place (which didn't work either.)

I find all human beings, including myself, profoundly shallow, profoundly judgmental.  It goes back, once again to the idea that we might have pain in our lives, but suffering is optional...What I mean is this, people always insist, internally, in their thoughts and emotions that things shouldn't be other than they are.  We don't very often fall in love with someone when we think we do, rather we fall in love with our story of that person, who we want them to be, and not who they are.  Then, as intimacy rises in the relationship, and we begin to see an other for who they really are, we say "they've changed."  But I don't think this is true at is reality, catching up with the story we tell ourselves about the person.

While I certainly don't go about in life (anymore) "whoa is me, poor me", I do recognize my seeming "position" in life, and I try not to ponder it all too long (else I start writing posts like this one.)  Yet, I can't ignore reality...I'm very alone...and perhaps lonely.  How much of my self believed story is wrapped up in "lonely" I'm not quite sure, its still a very painful place to look at for me.

I almost wish I wasn't as good at "faking it, till I make it."  I can come off to people relatively "normal" for a time (whatever normal is, I don't have a clue), yet the moment they notice what is off,  or simply different about me they invariably distance themselves.  While I have come to accept this, I hate it, to be honest.  I wish there were more like my soulmate and bff who can take the entire package, as it were, and accept and embrace it without judgement.  Again, maybe I'm really asking too much of members of the  human race...I don't know.

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