I have been considering lately, what happens (to me) as I grow more accustom to, become familiar with "Just Joe" and all his intricate and special differences, nuances. There is so much about "normalcy" that I am uncomfortable with. I find that this is probably true for all peoples, but in my case it's as if I were born with a set of blinders put over my eyes, and only in my 40s I realized this, and in my late 40s able to, to a large extent extricate my flesh from the blinders imposed upon me.
I'm experiencing lately I high level of emotional and energy regulation that is, for all intents and purposes a new thing for me. I tend (lately) not to swing far to the left or right of my inborn rigid thinking, but am able to sort of take the reins, so to speak and surf the rapids a bit better. Mind you, I don't know that I'll ever be able to do this the way it looks for others...but that is OK too.
I have always felt any kind of emotional response, with such intensity as to betray the rich origins of the emotion, often settling on one aspect on it, my right brain obsessing and creating an entire reality of it, that may or may not be so. Other's might think this a horrible thing, and yes, while had I not been born with AgCC my emotional and mental life might look more like yours, but at the same time I would miss so much. Learning about, and embracing the whole me including my weak and strong points, has allowed me, to a large extent, to be proactive, preemptive, and more precognate about my life experiences, from minor to all encompassing.
I've never experienced the death of a loved one before, strike that, I've never experienced the death of a loved one before, up close and personal, and devoid of the type of fear and anxiety that I would normally run from, with all my might. I have worked in hospice on and off for many years, mostly AIDS and cancer hospice. I'd lost people close to me, but have never allowed myself to feel fully everything entailed in it, the good, the bad, and the ugly; for fear that it might send me into another spiral of which I have been so familiar all my life.
Now, the very person who I've grown to care for as a sister...is in this very position herself. I don't think I've ever experienced the kind of powerlessness that I feel over the situation, yet it is ok...I don't know that I've ever experienced firsthand this kind of lonliness, frustration or sadness...but it is ok. The richness of our emotions is something I've feared most of my life, and tried, without success to squash like a bug...yet I'm beginning to realize what a fantastic gift it is.
Troya, at the very least has been a potent catalyst for change in my life. She often said that when I first came back to SoCal, the person she saw before me, didn't quite match up with the person she knew I was...that I hadn't caught up to myself yet.
This is so true. One of my dearest of teachers told me a few years ago, that I would not even be able to recognize myself in a few years. I seriously doubted the truth of this, and yet it has turned out to be a major point in my life. It is almost as if I am learning about, and getting to know myself for the very first time, without so many of the limitations placed on me by myself as well as others.
The one who can experience all things, emotions, situations, confusions, sadness, and still go on. Still see benefit. Still see the hand of the Divine in all things. The one who no longer (most times) crumbles under the weight of a drowning sea of oppressive emotion, rather rides the waves of Life. I have never known this person. I chose the title of this post, largely from the title of a book on meditation and enlightenment, because I thought it so telling. It is that before we become enlightened to life, our job is to chop wood, carry water, do the laundry...and so it is afterwards, when the Lamp of Wisdom has been lit within our soul, we are told to go out there, and chop wood, carry water, do the laundry, now, not just for ourselves, but for all others.
All this being said, I'm for the first time understanding that not only the dying go through the stages of death that Elizabeth Kubler Ross spoke of, but so do those who are being left behind, albeit in a different fashion. Yet, I'm not only finding sore and painful points within my soul, but the most tender, most loving, most self effacing and serving person that I've ever gotten to know. Someone awake and aware as Troya is bound to be of great service in death as she has been in life. She has revealed to me that I am also that servant, and that in service to the Divine with find our true strength and joy.
I (we) would appreciate your prayers, Light and support. We do not ask for a specific thing that we know to be the will of the Divine, yet we do ask that Its will be done in us...for strength, life, light, peace, joy, continence, wisdom and understanding, and the ability to embrace the goodness that is before us in this present moment. My love to you, all my friends and family.