Monday, April 23, 2012

How wide the Ocean how deep the Sea...

I have spent the majority of my 49 years fearing emotion.  My fear, driven from years of lacking the emotional, social and cognitive skills so easily understood by my peers...would have me either paralyzed in fear of my emotions out of "control" or its other extreme, unwillingness to engage others for fear of the all too familiar "they don't understand me, I don't understand them."  The truth is, some of this fear is based in a valid observation of the situation...

I must say, life looks very different for me on the receiving end of quality healthcare, quality medical and disability advocacy.  I've been talking about the new medication protocol I'm on and how its been the most consistent and all encompassing change and improvement in all areas of "EF" or executive function.   In a a nutshell, on almost every mental and developmental  level I've shown a moderate and consistent levels of functioning, my day to day life reaching more of a balance or normalcy (I hate that word.) Even so, with my much improved daily life, comes the struggle with the normalcy of things.  I've been deeply effective by and considered myself a "victim" of "my condition" for most of my life.  Its not my view now.  I love my normal, I embrace it, it is who I am.  My normal will never look like yours however, because, after all it is your normal.  There are far more variations in brain and neurology, personality, etc... within the human gene pool, than we'd like to admit.

Along with embracing my whole person, I've had to welcome with open arms emotions that for the majority of my life were experienced overwhelming and with very little cognitive connectedness as to their origins.  And then comes the recognition that this is true of all people, perhaps not in the same way or to the same depth as I that all people share this struggle on some level...how normal it is :-)

I'm exploring sadness, fear, abandonment, trust, humor, disease progressing in the body of one who I dearly care for....anxiety over what the "future will hold for me."  all this as if I'd never known them before...These are just thoughts, emotions...and while they are necessary and relevant to normal function in the "normal" world, we are so much more than our thinking allows us to see...There is One in the background, or so it appears for me, that is the Witness to all of this...There is sight, and the one who sees; there is sound and the one who hears; there is touch and the one who feels... And I trust that One with every fiber of my being, and always have.  I have nothing to fear.

I am not always successful, no one is really, but I spend my life now in endless examination of who or what is behind this world of appearances...and again, there is chopping wood, carrying water, doing the laundry, etc...the way of integrating all of this into daily life.  But again, not everybody is all too successful in translating what they know to what they do.  

I want people with all type of identified disability, and especially anyone who's been identified as AgCC or some other type of collosul disorders, or those caring for a child with one...there is hope.  My thinking is to be proactive, preventive, and productive in response to one's disability, and while recognizing the need for accommodations should they arise, understand this is a difference, it is your, or your child's normal.  Celebrate it, even when it causes great difficulty because you are a unique, they are  unique individuals and have their own personal gift and contribution to the world.
~Just Joe

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