Thursday, August 9, 2012

Hemi-centennial Ramblings...

At this time, in this place, on planet Earth in the greater solar system...I have now had 50 journeys around the sun.  This week marks the 50th year after my birth.  

I am overwhelmed with thoughts, emotions, images, ideas, what is, what was, and what will not become.  I've generally had a great deal of difficulty dealing with strong emotions...or rather not "dealing with" but rather learning how to regulate them.  While this turmoil goes on within me in the reflection on my first 50 years and the direction of the next should I live that long, I am not "overwhelmed" per say, rather I'm quite amused.

Even just 10 or more years ago, I'm certain I'd not have dealt with this well.  And yet, it is all of the discoveries and experiences of life in those years that have been utterly transformative.  I'm still me, the "wiring is still the wiring", but I've learned how to work with my strange neurology as much as is possible, and learned to accept myself exactly as I am...and so, here I am, what next?

Whichever way one looks at it 50 is pretty much, if we are blessed the half-way point for this body-mind-personality thing I call me.  I am amazed at the many conflicting thoughts and emotions as the rise up in my body and mind. This is a time when I discover that in many ways I am just like others in my similar situation.  Fifty is, let's just say "interesting".  For me, it is as if I have been taking a big breath, and holding it for 50 years, and only now I'm slowly exhaling and relaxing into "me", "my life", etc...

Having talked with lots of other AgCC folk, it seems really common that many of us have a much lower self image than is warranted or expected.  Some of us have trouble even clearly defining a self image, in such that we couldn't describe it well to others.  This hasn't gotten "better" for me, but I'm certainly functioning at a higher level now, if only because I reject what is outside of my "scope."  While I'll grow and change throughout life (hopefully we do, anyhow), there are aspects to me, or rather my neurology that will clearly not change during the lifetime of this body.  Not only am a comfortable with this now, it brings a big smile to my face and in my heart.

Another thing I'm experiencing strongly for the first time at 50 is a much clearer understanding of my place in the greater picture of that I only have a limited amount of days and years in which to carry out Life, and only so many resources in my natural what and which do I desire to focus on given my time and resources available in life.  What a glorious place to be in!

I can firmly say I've not ever feared death.  Death is our lifelong friend Who waits for us until the end.  Yet I am watching this body and personality go through its own twists and turns over its impending end, etc...and yet I know without any doubt that which I will wait for my entire life, the dissolution of the ego and merging with the Beloved in an eye-blink away, even should it occur after another 50 years.  The Beloved is the only intimate, the only truly Familiar to the Heart, for which the rays of the Sun seek's their Source in abandon.  This only confuses the body-mind even more, and yet even this vehicle is slowly coming under sway of the Heart.

My love and blessings, well wishes and best thoughts and prayers to all my family, friends, loved ones, guides, teachers, students, Fellow Travelers.

May all beings be happy

May all beings be free

Peace     Peace     Peace

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