Saturday, January 5, 2013

All or Nothing Thinking...

Rigid Thinking...

Another common theme that can be seen with Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum;

I suppose they will know more in coming years, as for me, I always question "chicken or egg."  This is what I mean:

I have such a fowled up short term memory, as well as an auditory processing glitch.  Even before I understood all this, and about my ACC, I very much consciously chose being "ritualistic" about so many things, so that, much like when you repeat a phone number to store it in your working memory (the very part I have an issue in), I know I will get to step 1, step 2, step 3, etc...  

I am prone to believe the research stating that many of us ACCers are "rigid thinking," although I'm not quite sure the public fully understands what that even means.  What "you" or "they" see "wow, he is just so stubborn, he doesn't want to accept the "facts" etc..." 

But, my reality is that I have to hold onto every thought tightly, if I am to remember "all of the pieces" of what I am currently dealing with/working with... This is for me, all the more concrete.  I can place something down, on a table, bench, in the car, (wherever) and literally forget it in 15 seconds...not just forget where it is, but sometimes even that it exists.  What comes to mind is a bottle of bleach that I put down on the kitchen floor by the door a few weeks ago.  I'd set it down, and went back to look for it, couldn't find it.  At one point even, my eyes are seeing/examining the bleach bottle, but I can't reach out to grab it, because I cannot "see" it or "it simply isn't there"...then a few minutes later, something "clicks",  and I realized I'm staring right at it.

We (let me stick with I, I'd rather be specific and not generalize) tend to obsess about my version of reality, and the way "I do things" because I'd been led to, taught to, and only knew to distrust my thoughts, emotions, etc.  When people would react badly, I would modify (read "dampen") my personality to "fit in"...but this is assuming I really understood/understand what that even means and how to obtain it, at least in the way the "average person" does.

Seen from the outside, I clearly admit, it seems utterly bizarre, but, you know, after all; this is my life and I get to live it to it's fullest extent possible, without judgement, anger, hatred, abuse.  We are all different, I'm just "differently different." LOL

The other side of the rigid thinking stuff,  I believe, anyhow, is that it is a learned response as I mention above, but that the reason it is, is because of what many of us excel at. fMRI and other devices show that many ACCers spend a majority of their time "in their right brain."  This isn't saying the left is dormant, that cannot be, but we tend to learn and communicate in the holistic or wholistic, artistic, emotional, creative processes of the mind.  I have great difficulty with confabulation.  If my mind doesn't get the answer fast enough, it can manufacture the answer, and for me it is true, even if it "never happened."  The only way I learned (prior to my diagnoses) that anything like this was happening is that people kept pointing out to me "my lies" or "my errors." etc....and without the diagnoses one questions there own sanity...but now I know and understand, and will not be anyone's doormat.  I may be "inconvenient" at times, but if you don't care to get to know me, and understand why, then our social connection and relationship will not happen, because I'm not interested.  This isn't an excuse to treat other people unlike myself badly, rather a chance to educate.

~A Boy with a Whole in His Head.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Post a Comment