Sunday, January 13, 2013

Angst...and what to do with it

For so much of my life, I believed myself dis-empowered,  so I was..;
A conflagration of betrayal, fear, anger, obsession and angst, 
turned within, my own self the victim.

Today, however, I see the world in an entirely different way.  No longer feeling the need to live as others say I should, and to not be " ¡that way ! " (they are describing me and Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum whether or not they realize it.)  Leaving behind all those things that are not part of what make me up, I can focus on my gifts and abilities.

Furthermore, I have no quarrel with anger, anger is just emotion, and emotion in energy in motion.  It isn't a question of fearing anger (which I spent a life long preoccupation with), it is a question of using it, or utilizing it in a productive manner.  Learning to focus this angst, is a hard won skill, that while not entirely consistent, is above and beyond anything I believed capable for decades.  

Last month, with over a year of working on early childhood trauma (PTSD) with someone who I trusted; I had a life changing breakthrough.  It is as if " fear has lost it's bite "  for me, and much of my conscious attention spent on on obsessive hyper-vigilance for my safety, that took up my brains working memory (which I have issues with as part of ACC) was freed up.  I still have a bodily reaction to certain triggers, but I am actually using these events to change the "feeling" itself.  It is as if I can go "backwards" though the fear, and behind this fear I find a feeling of loss of control...but I no longer experience this loss of control, and if I do, for only a short moment.

Then, I have to inquire what is it that I am not in control of?  What is my objective and what steps can I do to change that? etc...

In the big picture, my reaching out working on a non profit for ACC that you will hear more about over the next year, my reaching out to my ACC peers, parents of children with ACC...will never rewrite my history with my ACC, but I can help make the future a better and more brighter place than it is today for people like myself.

We often accomplish little when we crave too many accomplishments.

Another part of working with this emotion, that the new "energy in motion" unless clearly defined is at best useful if not harmful, at least it won't be what we desired it to be.   

Therefor it seems to me that much in the same way that my angst and rage is rooted in the sense of loss of control, it is this very sense of control that I wish to help others discover within themselves by educating them about living with Agenesis Corpus Callosum.  I am no scientist, but I can certainly share what it is like for this unique individual with ACC, and perhaps you can extrapolate from that.

We are, each and every one of us, here, to make a difference!  Could be in big ways; but it is usually in small ways, ways that fit our unique selves and situation, but we always make a difference.   Even if you, the person with ACC or their parent or loved one, make a difference, in the life of just one person, you have begun to change the world.


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