Sunday, February 17, 2013

Scrambled Eggs/Scrambled Memories

Part of living with Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum (for me) is a faulty memory. If any of you remember any kind of evaluation where sort of "cartoon" vignettes are scrambled, and put in front of you, and you are supposed to put them in the right can be something like this for me. Just imagine, if, by the time *you registered* an event/memory it came to you in a confused order, perhaps the end in the middle and the middle first and the first last, etc....

This is what happens to my cognitive faculties while under stress. Further, I have auditory processing errors, I don't hear from both ears at the same time (my ears do, but the brain will only register one side, this is called "didactic hearing test"), further, *many* times I intend (and fully believe) I have communicated a certain answer to you, only to find out sometime I spoke either nonsense words, or *literally* the opposite of what I am intending, and * I have **no** understanding that I have done this at the time.

This can make for a very lonely excruciating experience, because there is no way of telling someone it is happening, because I cannot be aware of it (in that moment, only by "comments" from people later.) I'm blessed to at least have a few round me that thoroughly understand that my brain works this way, and they are "easy" on me, there are others, that still judge, bash, criticize, make fun of, reject me for this, and all I can say to them is "good riddance to bad rubbish."

As many of my close friends now, I am going through an extraordinary type of stress, dealing with the decline and eventual passing of a loved one, and although I'm "psychologically" doing *very well*, the stress still effects my brain and cognitive function, and this past week has literally been HELL for me. 

Even with all my training in meditation, if there *is no* cognitive will/choice/intent/awareness (can be no awareness) of these things, there is little I can do to "stop" them, I can only learn to "accept" that something bizarre is going on, and attempt to just love myself regardless.

For years, I've burned bridges, even before necessary, because eventually I knew these people would reject me for all of this...and while I try not to do so any more, I still do once and a while. So, if any of my *real* friends, think/see/perceive that "something isn't quite right"or even "way OFF" with me, I BEG you, to please be patient with me, and ask me at another time, give me space.

Much like someone with Asperger's I can get extremely overloaded with stim(ulus of all kinds) and my only resort is to close my door, close my mouth, close my ears and eyes and meditate, become very quite inside...and while it can immediately bring me peace, it can take weeks for me to recover from an "overload" situation like this.

I also have bouts of TGA or temporary global amnesia and can also loose the ability to related with language (aphasia) while these things happen, it is more terrifying than most could possibly imagine. While life is better post diagnoses of ACC, I imagine this will always be part of my life, my gift from Guru to keep me (well it tries to keep me) humble.

I'm just really sad and disappointed that those who are supposed to protect and be responsible for me screwed me over. My love to all who are reaching out to me over the past couple days, I'm really grateful ♥

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