Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Do as you say and say as do you...

This is always a good practice, no?  Certainly every human being struggles with this sort of thing, we all talk out "bout sides of our mouth," Just imagine though, that what you think (or want to express) comes out of your mouth exactly the opposite of what you intended to say...

It looks like this:
I'm thinking about the red Corvette I saw today, it might could even "see it" or visualize it in my mind's eye, but unbeknownst to me, in the act of describing this red Corvette to you, the words that come out of my mouth are "WOW, you wouldn't believe the blue Corvette I saw today," still seeing/thinking about that red Corvette.  Even so, a part of my brain clearly senses the incongruity, i.e., on some vague level I am aware the word that came out was blue.  From then on, the memory will always be, and whenever I bring this up to you in the future a second time a blue Corvette.  

Now, the above is a manufactured example, in order to give a stark view of what goes on in my brain on a daily basis.  Behind all of this there is indeed a "person" who is aware of all of it, on some level, imagine the  self humiliation a person who's wiring thinks this way, but can do nothing about, when they attempt to function in the "real world" (whatever that is, anyhow.)

A bit of ACC humor!
At the keyboard, I wax eloquent, many of these neurological short circuits aren't short circuits at all, but are meant for different functions.  On a very real level the thing I identify as fantasy and another as reality, have fuzzy boundaries, blending back and forth.  In my spiritual bent I would have to say this is more or less true for everyone, only mine is koti kot (10 to the power of 7) times more "permeable" than a neuro-typical person.

In short, imagine how difficult it would be, to do as you say, and say as you do, with neurology that functions like what I've described above?  You learn to not trust yourself, even doubt your own (often, pure) motivations, and won't tolerate other's pointing it out to you.  Or at least that is how it has been in the past and often in the present, for me.

This dysfunction I've made into a part of the tools in my "psycho-spiritual" toolbelt.  I'm training myself to not panic when these things surface and become obvious as others point them out to me, rather I'm relaxing into, on many levels, the "inevitable" functioning of my differently built brain meat.  

I use its discovery (often many many times in one day) as an opportunity, to stop, relax, love myself for who I am, accept any limitations as givens (that are neurological and cannot change) in doing so becoming empowered, concentrating not I what I can't, but rather what I can do to make this situation or opportunity better for myself and whomever I'm with, or whatever I happen to be doing in that moment.

This brain isn't made for logic, but for loving, my ability to free associate in meaningful and endless take a point, and go waaaaaay out there, and bring it back, talk about the same thing from another viewpoint, waaaay out there, and bring it back, and tie it to the first idea, and so on, in never ending patterns, that for me resemble a kaleidoscope.

But, as I was explaining today to my case manager,  when it comes to living in the "real-world", this is the primary lens through which I experience and operate.  I become frustrated (became, I'm learning to roll with it LOL) and other's around me became understandably impatient and frustrated, when trying to express ourselves like this, to say our psychiatric doctor, she'll ask something like "what do you need", in reference to paper work to get in home services for myself, and I basically go Aaaaddd, I dunnoa DUH...the question is too vague to broad for me.

Then my Case Worker explained "yes, you need someone to ask, "do you need help with hygiene?"   "Do you need help with feeding yourself", "do you need help staying directed and organized with the help of others" (to which I could say yea to all of the above, on one level or an other...We ACCers tend to think literally, but speak figuratively, a huge incongruity that throws off, angers, even triggers outrage from others at times trying to communicate with us...(and triggers similar and more in ourselves.)

Anyhow, I'm pleased to report that I have a loving family (by Choice, not by birth) around me, and friends and loved ones and professionals all working to support my efforts to help myself first, and teach others with ACC and their families, what resources are out there, what it is like, for at least one adult (this one) born without his corpus callosum.  

...The wound is the place where the light enters you...


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