Thursday, June 13, 2013

Life, Death, & Taxes

It has always frustrated me that I live in a different "time zone" than most.  Having lifelong issues with working memory and short term memory, I've never been able to really remember people's birthday's and details.  In my own family, I can remember mine, my brother's and my nephew Brian's (at least his month.)  Without technology I'm utterly lost.

Most of my life, people close to me, assume either distance, or that I just don't care.  We are talking, however, about somebody who's not even sure at noon if he's had breakfast or not?  And you know that thing where you go into a room, looking for something, forget, and go back to the original room and remember?  Try having that dozens of times in a row, daily....

While the circumstances are many, these days I have almost no contact with my blood relations to speak of.  There's enough "blame" to go around, so I'll not even address it here, I want to respect my family, and not speak about them, since they are not "here" to defend themselves.   Nonetheless, we have all been responsible for doing and saying awful things to each other.

I'm 51 (next month) and have pretty much been estranged from my own family for more than two decades.  (not my extended family, but my "nuclear"/mom/dad/brother etc...family.)  Like many families, mine tends to hide and become secretive when things "go wrong", some one is sick, or dies...etc...I would even try to speak to them, but whenever I have they've no interest in my life.  So, I cannot even speak to the general health and well being of my family.

My paternal grandmother, suffered what we know today was early onset Alzheimer's disease,     and I was not allowed to be around/mourn her illness and passing.  My maternal grandmother suffered and died from breast cancer, same thing.  I've bottled up feelings and emotions for decades.   Currently, my best friend/soul-mate/soul-sister Troya is nearing her end in her battle with ovarian cancer.  So much of this is now coming up in my life.  I can only say, how grateful I am to be able to be here in some way for this wonderful being.  She believed in me, and trusts me, with unflinching honesty and totality, even knowing the good, the bad, and the ugly of what it is like to live "me."   

Five years ago, I was very sick with Hepatitis C, and the concurrent formation of liver cancer.  This great soul, cared for me, when she was just off her first round of chemo herself.  I spent almost a total of 18 months of chemo, and successfully beat this disease that had been plaguing my body.  It was during treatment for this that I discovered my ACC, the source of my lifelong neurological and psychological difference.  It was her support that helped me turn my own life round.

Now, Troya is in her last (days/weeks/maybe months?) It's causing me to reflect on a lot.  Her Case Manager some time back, mentioned to me, the best thing I can do is live my life in such a way to honor everything she has helped me discover about myself, and to make a difference.  That Knowing that not only am I now taking care of myself in new ways, but others as well, will bring her peace and joy.  All of this is true, but I'm still stirred up in ways and dealing with emotions and feeling I've never had to, before.

Time and memory is such a fleeting thing for neuro-typicals, let alone for someone with ACC.  When someone drops the body, they don't die, in fact "they" were never born...this body is like a dress, when soiled it is discarded and a new one put on.  Yet in the time that that book gets put back on the shelf of the library of Consciousness, and that person/ality is no more, I forget so quickly.

Well, I've covered life and death...as far as "taxes," Even though I've done it before, I've never had to settle the affairs of a close loved one.  I'm really grateful to have a team of people around me helping, as well as my Family by Choice, those that love and support me, unconditionally love me, and encourage my growth, and life, and success.  To all of you (you know who you are) I want to express my gratefulness and love for you too.


~joseph




2 comments:

  1. Beautiful, my friend. My heart and prayers are with you both as Troya prepares to pass on ~

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  2. Thanks so much Sandy, you are yet an other very special friend, and I miss you loads, thanks for your love and caring <3

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