Monday, August 26, 2013

Out of the Shadows & Into the Light...

I am overcome with the fragrance of roses...
hidden & contracted inwards with great force
the rose whirls in upon itself...
All the sudden I wake up and look around and think:
"HEY, I'm a flower in the garden of manifestation,
as are all living beings! 
Blooming in to Life sans any limitation
of manifold colour, size, or distinguishing characteristic
flowering in full abandon,
filled with the taste & scent of amrit.
surging into Life...
then comes wilting, fading,
death and descication
but the flower cares not
its glory lasts but for a moment.
and is no more.

I suppose this isn't strictly speaking, going to be an "ACC" post.  What I mean is I want to write about the often common experience of any 51 year old man, and then perhaps, tie my  ACC into it, how it shapes the experience.

I do feel, very simply, that our lives are like a roller coaster, and for 51 years I have been climbing the monster drop, higher and higher, increasing my kinetic energy, storing it and waiting...Last year, for me was reaching the top and coasting.  At 51 I feel like gravity has taken hold, and I'm coasting down the drop, full speed ahead, with no (relatively little) effort compared to, say, mmm, 25 years ago...

Thing is, I hear and read many men my age talk the same way, more or less.  That's kinda cool, makes me "average."  Amusing, I've never been accused of being "average."

Anyway, things are easier, smoother, flow better, more consistent (as consistent as one can be with ACC.)

I'm just fully confident and free to be myself (whatever that is ultimately) and to move in the direction of my intuition and creativity, the very things I have been supressing all my life, told they were "wrong" "didn't belong", aren't "worth" anything in the "real" world....well, I got news for you!

It is très drôle, really...

I realize that not only have I spent my life trying to conform to the "normal life" that my parents planned for me, but that in doing so, I have ever so subtly been jabbing myself worth in the heart, over and over again, deadening and dampening the spirit in me, the creative, productive, forward moving power of choice in one's own life.

It is quite sad though.  My parents literally have nothing to do with why my heart and mind have been tied to mother's apron strings.  Rather my false view.  My "rose coloured glasses, the grass is greener on the other side" view of my biological family.  This is not to single them out, they did the best they could with what they had and who they were.  I believe this absolutely.  

Beyond this, however, they have chosen willful ignorance.  The medical evidence is out there, and my ACC explains my whole damn life.  Yet they still choose to think I'm an immoral monster or some ridiculous shit.  I wrote them letters, sent them cards, for years.  Mother keeps these in a shoe box so that one day she can "give them to the police for evidence" !  My question who is the paranoid one here? WOW ??

In recent years I regularly wrote and sent cards and letters to family, with never a reply.  Then out of the blue, the first time he has called me in well over 30 years leaves a insane drunken voice-mail...

So, I thought wow, they are living their perfect little idyllic life and don't want me part of it.  Turns out my father's alcoholism affected my brother as well, whom I thought "Mr Super successful etc..." until all these years later when I found the truth I though they were "Norman Rockwell." sorry, getting off track, anyhow....

Today I am coming out of the shadows, kissing my closet goodbye. I will no longer be content hiding within the shadow of the dark place "society" puts those who are deemed "different."  Neither will I be effected any longer by the woulda-coulda-shouldas, or mother's apron strings.  I cannot describe the joy of knowing "who I am" & "what makes me tick", and furthermore, my own talents and specialness.  Who could ask for anything more?

Motivated, matured, confident, connected, creative...I'm getting to know new parts of myself every day.

I'm receiving assistance now, as determined by my case managers, and doctors, and finding that I am now thriving, allowing myself to concentrate on my personal skill set, and those things that I can and do excel in, and find a way to leave my mark on the world.  It is truly a wonderful life, a wonderful journey.

The pain and discomfort of watching a loved one dwindle away, it hurts, yes, but it adds to my overall experience and connection with this person, spiritual sister, friend, co-hort, that I love so much.  She will not leave me, or "here", or "life" or anything such as this...rather transitioning to yet a different expression of perfection.

I am blessed to be at the side of her meat-puppet as she transitions...

She encouraged my finding my center, my confidence, and accept all parts of myself without limitation, understanding they are all necessary aspects making up a whole, the whole "image" we believe/have of function in this world.

To Infinity and beyond...
And that it is simply OK to be different.

The sure thing about inconsistency  one of the hallmarks of ACC, is that it is a consistent issue.  It does make life more interesting, colourful, dramatic, (you might think) but it wears upon the soul, if one thinks oneself only one's thoughts.  I am so much more than my neurology or mental processing, I am filled with possibility  and wonder at the grandeur of the Unity / Universe.  

I now have a 51 year old body to slow me down a bit, (thank God for small miracles LOL...) "

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. 

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