Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Getting with the program...

I intended to post more often and life had gotten the better of me.   Wonderful, when this is the reason for not posting.  You see, doors are closing, others opening, what I thought were walls are really windows, I just had to wipe away my doubt and fears with the windex of knowledge to see opportunity where once I perceived only limitation stagnation and frustration. 

I'm not one to make New Years resolutions.  For one thing, they are nothing but, in my opinion ridiculous and ego stroking.  If one were to have really desired and resolved to do something, it would already be done. Why would the first day of the civil calendar mean anything at all?  

You must understand that this is coming from a man born without his corpus callosum.  One of the absolutely consistent things about an individual with Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum is inconsistency.  Before I understood the clinical and medical reasons for this, I was filled with loathing and self hatred.  I doubted myself more than people doubted and even denied me.  As my early childhood medical records reveal, my own parents knew of my condition and never spoke of it.  In fact, they have called me "psychopath" "liar" "evil" and things I cannot even repeat in mixed company.

The unfortunate thing is not my lifelong estrangement from my biological family.  The unfortunate thing, is really that I internalized the anger and hatred, the disappointment and outright denial that I wasn't your average neuro-typical bear, even when I didn't (medically) know what was different about me, I actually understood quite clearly from say, age of 12 that I thought profoundly different from others.  But I never understood why.

Recently I was evaluated by a specialist that works with ASD or Autism Spectrum Disorder.   While I knew that I showed autistic traits and such, I wasn't prepared for what they told me.  I always considered myself an expressive person, and was observed to have a limited range of facial expressions and gesticulative expressions (body language to communicate your meaning.)  Then it was said plainly that I score towards severe autistic social and communicative tendencies....and I'm thinking "I do?"  

I was observed, however, over a long period of time and was given examples of how my behavior was typical of someone on the spectrum.  The diagnoses is all the more difficult because of my ACC, quite a few of the traits cross over in both directions.  There is a noticeable percentage of those on the spectrum that are born with full or partial agenesis of the corpus callosum.  

If someone is like myself on the spectrum and they have ACC, they potentially have both the social and communicative issues (just because I speak, and extraordinarily well, sometimes, does not mean I communicate well on a face to face basis.)  I miss social cues, and I misunderstand when it is or is not the appropriate time to share information or speak about certain things.  Then there are the memory issues to boot. Is it any wonder that I tried committing suicide in my late twenties and again in my thirties?  I had no support, no medical intervention, had the truth hidden by my pediatrician and doctors and family (even from other extended family members.)

Today however, things are different.  Knowledge is power (do I have to say that again?) :


It is well time I get with the program...time to forget what "family" and society says I should be, and start being myself.  

I have "pressed me down" so long that I barely know myself any more.  and this is changing too!  Have you ever noticed, you can sometimes still see tree seedling coming up through the cracks of the hardest cement?  Well, this is me folks.  If I were to die today (heaven forbid) on the "New Years" eve (that was actually the solstice, folks ;)  ) , I would return into the Arms of Eternity knowing that I have helped others, loved others, made a difference in the lives of parents of and children like myself...Great things are happening for me, and my platform for sharing about ACC and Autism is about to grow big-time (more on that in the future.)

I don't plan to die though....watch me ROAR ! ! !

I want to take this time to thank all of you who have supported and continue to support me in my Journey of Life.   I leave behind 2013 with the (physical) absence of my soulmate and bff, and while my heart aches, even now I feel her hand on my shoulder as I write this, and she is so proud of me.  I cannot thank you, my "chosen family" and friends enough...

To all of my friends and chosen ones (family), to all of you who support and encourage me,
thank you...
In 2014 may you and all of your loved ones know happiness
May you know freedom of suffering,
and may you know peace.

I love you all

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