Sunday, April 6, 2014

The consistency of inconsistency...

I think perhaps one of the most off putting things about me (in other's eyes) is my seeming inconsistency.  To be truthful it can, at times be exhausting to me as well.  I've talked about it before, but I'm trying to write more these days from stream of consciousness, the way in which my brain works.  Some people call this the **SQUIRREL** factor or "ewww shiney!!! :-)" but that's only part of it.

About the most organized anyone will ever see me will be in print.  But this in no way represents who I am in real life.  Likewise, I talk a good game, I'm the master of the monologue, yet, when it comes time to "put up or shut up" I'll usually shut up.  This is very lonely business.

I think so many things that are "fixed" in the average personality are more "movable" in mine.  This can be exhausting.  Because of this, from early on, I have modeled and tailored my opinions and desires after that of other people, thinking theirs to be more "stable" than my own.  As a young man, if we went to the movies, if you liked it, I did, if you hated it, I did, I could not form my own opinion separate from that of others.  

I began to realize this around the age of 19.  So, at this point, I would intentionally go see a movie or a TV show, and would have to "work" to create my own opinion of it.  I would have to even question myself if my opinions were modeled or depended upon some other person's ideas...I'm so easily swayed.

As a child is with their imagination, so I am within my own mind.  The imagination in a child is that which brings the attention away from the present into the "not so present" world of fantasy.  So it is with me as an adult with ACC.  

I often don't posses the skills to critically question my thoughts, where they came from, how appropriate they are for the circumstance.  It is almost like my attention is a magnet that will attract the nearest thought, image, idea, concept...and if there is nothing there to stop it the mind will totally wrap itself around this new shape.

On the outside (to other people) this can appear confusing, confounding, even frightening.  I often evoke anger, disgust, even scorn from those who do not understand.  To them I am "all over the map" but to me I've not gone anywhere.  

Another aspect to inconsistency...no matter how hard I try, I can study, practice, repeat, try to learn something over and over again, even have it memorized, but not be able to carry the task out.  Now, I don't know anybody else like me, so this gets really frustrating and really lonely.  I have been told that I have cognitive issues with learning new things (like I needed anyone to tell me this, but it is nice to have the external confirmation.)  I have some kind of cognitive interrupt between thought and action.  I will even go to do a (certain) task and for whatever reason I arrive to do it and don't.  This is not psychological, there is no "reason" I don't, there is an interrupt between volition and action.  The first I'd heard of this was with F.A.S. as it is a real common thing in that disorder.

There is never a dull moment in the lives of those who remain my friends, needless to say... :)

~j

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