Sunday, April 13, 2014

"The thing is what you make of it" or Theory of mind revisited...

The presence and awareness that "I am not my thoughts; thoughts are things"   is not always clear to me as it is to other peoples.  How easy it is to be swept away in the oceanic flow of images and idea and obsessions coming at me non stop. The nonstop storyteller in my head easily rivals and J.K. Rowling or Stephen King....would I could I find a way to express that and use it in some positive sense, then I'd have something concrete....

So wrapped up am I in the world of image(ination) that it dominates my attention.  This is much less so when I am living around someone else who provides a "touchstone" for me.  When Troya lived, she was so much a part of my life, yet simply having someone around was enough to ground me more in the here and now.  Lacking that these days, I languish and fade into the gilded cage of my thoughts and imagination, I'm practically paralyzed in regards to any real actions. 

Yet, the thing is what I make of it.

My words come from more of an explanation than an apology for who I am.
I suppose though in a real (formal) sense this blog has been my apologetic.
Sometime exorcise my demons, sometimes sit down with them for a nice cuppa chai and a chat.

There are times for which theory of mind does not exist for me, I become my thoughts and do not, can not judge them critically.  It is something I hope no one ever has to experience.  It blinks out of existence and I'm lost in a sea of free association. This is itself is profoundly disabling.

Chart showing how theory of mind is developed
Recently I sat with my neurologist and looked at the actual films of my MRI brain scan.  To actually see the deformities really got to me.

The immediacy of it all was at once affirming but but also very "final."  My own family is in denial about my birth condition.  They have been presented with the evidence countless times over but refuse to acknowledge its relevance.  I remain the black sheep of the family (well, in this case, the rainbow sheep.)

The sad thing is, on the Autism boards, and ACC boards I find I am not alone or unusual.  There are so many my age (and even younger) that are summarily rejected by and scorned by there families.

Currently I am in a frightening part of my life.  There are those that realize how easily my memory and attention are manipulated, and would use that to their advantage, sadly.  After Troya's death so much has taken place that I am clearly not prepared for, and there were, unfortunately, lined up many who would take advantage of me and manipulate my circumstances for the worst.  This has been going on for some time and has put me in an untenable situation.

I am grateful to my Case Manager as she has told me she is alerted APS (Adult Protective Services.) She feels that not only have I been manipulated but that I am being but in danger.

I wish I could explain to people how "I work," how my noggin computes, but I barely understand it myself.  I have an encyclopedic knowledge of information in my head, but when it comes to acting on said information I show real deficits.  I hope that this latest move by my case manager is going to have positive changes in my life.

~j

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