Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Can you hear me now?

I love Don Adams! :)
Sometimes it can be so difficult feeling that my needs are being addressed & heard; knowing that others just are not getting it. They aren't understanding what I'm saying.  

But   I do not necessarily put the onus on anyone other than myself.  You see, I have this internal disconnect, that was seen upon examination, between volition and action, or the the will to act in a certain way, and the execution of that intention. 

Think of it as A.D.H.D. but on steroids. On a given day I have so many intentions, and so few actually ever get carried out, sans some very basic and rote habits.

I'll want to talk to you about apples, but I say to you I want to talk about avocados.  Often I'll appear to say or do the exact opposite of what it is I'm trying to communicate.  I'll intend to go right, and I'll turn left.

I've spent years now getting neurological, medical and psychiatric support and while the skills I've gained have invaulably lifted my quality of life....none the less this will continue to be how the brain in this meat-puppet works.  While I have no doubt that I can can continue to have improvements I have to also be focused on working with myself exactly as I show up, and not some ideal picture in my head.  The "meat & potatoes" as the saying goes, the practical day to do function....I'm soon to be 52 and there isn't likely to be some magnanimous change...I feel like I should just "settle in" and continue to grow more comfortable with myself as I show up, and learn how to best utilize "me" in the world. 

I was born in '62, so I remember first run episodes of Get Smart with Don Adams...a comedy genius.  Pictured here to the right is the "Cone of Silence", supposedly to create secure conversations that no one around could hear, thing is, they could never hear each other either.  I feel like Maxwell Smart in the cone of silence!

I'm blessed to have known someone in life who "got me" and wholeheartedly and unconditionally embraced me and supported my growth and development, and amongst all my self acceptance.  If you have this gift in life, do not squander it, for you do not know how long it will remain so.  No cone of silence needed, in fact often we understood what the other wanted entirely without words.  Freaky for someone like me who has difficulty with the non-verbal stuff.

I'm afraid that such will never be my average or "normal" daily life again.

I am blessed to know others born with ACC though, and that makes a difference.  Folks with ACC fall along a spectrum of experience, yet we all share common traits that can easily be seen by each other.  For example, I have an ACC friend, Sara Oliver... younger than I, who has three children, one himself, special needs.  To be certain she has many ACC related traits and issues, yet she manages to do something I could never imagine possible; raising children.

I find it difficult enough to "raise myself," let alone three children.   On top of that, my friend lives with epilepsy and hydrocephalus that needs regular medical intervention.

To be sure, she hears me.

I've learned a lot from her though...Many with autism have a "quick to be self-defeatest attitude, and I am no exception to this.  This is the antithesis of my friend though.  She embodies the lifestyle of my friend, spiritual sister and mentor Troya, who said "I'm not strong because I want to be, I'm strong because I have to be."

I admit, I really don't fully "get" this, but I'm learning.  I've been so conditioned to accept complete dependence, even upon situations, so that if something is not to my liking, I'm immediately slipping into the role of victim.  Less so, today, thank God.  She's been a good example for me.

My point it, and I'm speaking to other adults with ACC: wherever you fall along our ACC spectrum reach out to others like yourself. Speaking of myself, I can learn from anybody.  There is nobody "greater" or "lesser" than I, we all have talents, skills, deficits and the like.  Observe and see how your fellow ACCer does something, and you might find a new way to do it yourself.

Until later in life, the only way I knew how to speak up, was in panic, aggression, fear...but I'm beginning to understand assertiveness.  Beginning to embrace self-love and care.  If I am not there to parent myself, then no one is.  I still find it difficult, I hate confrontation, and discord, so I'd rather live in a spirit of avoidance, or at least I have for a majority of my life.  My ACC friend proves to be a positive example in this regard too.  She also embodies the old "F*ck them, if they can't take a joke..." i.e., not apologizing for who we are.

Can you hear me now?

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