Friday, November 7, 2014

Isolation vs Insulation and the desire to belong...

****VENTING IN PROGRESS****

There is a myth out there, that those on the spectrum do not want to be social.  The same holds true, for ACC.  In my personal experience I crave the "belongingness" the desire to fit in, communicate with and understand others, I simply don't do it well.

My father used to use the expression that I could charm the balls of a brass monkey.  Of course, he meant that I was charming and gained rapport easily; but meant in an accusatory way.  What he didn't understand what that I could also gain rapport with anyone I chose too, but once I got it, I didn't know what the hell to do with it.

I can't thrive in isolation, but I do benefit from carefully constructed insulation.  I'm easily overwhelmed by too much stimulus, but lacking any stimulus my mind creates it, I get caught away in my imagination.  I'm altogether careful about sleep hygiene; about how large a crowd I expose myself too...I take it all in, sans any filter; I (unhealthfuly or not) protect myself from any situations of conflict, by any means. In a room with, say 6 people talking, I hear six people talking, blending together in an uncomfortable ooze of random noise.  I wear earplugs (and can still hear you just fine) as too much ambient noise gets on my nerves fast.

I want to belong, belong to a family, to a community, to the greater world...yet I have to belong on my own terms.., is that too much to ask?

It can be frustrating for others to be around me, because they aren't aware of how easily I become overloaded.  We are having a "normal" conversation one minute, and I seem to lapse into some nonsensical thing like why do alien dogs wear purple underwear, or something seemingly just as disjointed to you, but it makes sense to me.  The one thing that was apparent when I had neuropsychiatric testing was that I started out strong, but with increase of difficulty and or length of time, my cognitive skills decompensate rapidly...

I have to walk a fine balance, I have to have some measure of control over my environment, and how much I take in at any given moment, but I also have a tendency to isolate; and when not around others I become lost in my own thoughts.  I don't want to be lonely, I just want to be left alone.  I imagine that sounds as bizarre to you as it does to me, but that is my life.

Isolation is another thing entirely.  Since my BFF died a year ago this October I had to take the only living arraignments that I could survive on with SSDI.  I'm currently so far out in the desert, that I'm not getting my medical, psychiatric, special needs and more tended to.  In a town of a scant 3,000 people, I do not know anyone here.  The average year round temperature is around 100 degrees, and I'm desiccating in the desert sun.

The longer I am here, the more I decompensate, diminish and become deregulated.
I do not know what will become of me.

****VENT OVER****

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