Thursday, November 13, 2014

Overwhelmed in an Ocean of Thoughts without an Anchor...

When I say I wish you could spend 24 hours as me, in my mind, I don't really mean it.  I think an average or neuro-typical person would be curled up in the corner in fear for their lives.

I've touched on intrusive thoughts before but haven't really gone into detail about what it's like.  My ACC brain has the equivalent of a "free association machine" that is running 24/7, 7 days a week and 265 days a year.  I don't even have a normal sleep life, I remember the majority of all my dreams nightly, and this constant stream of thoughts is never quelled but continues on into my sleep.  God help me if I am awakened by such a dream, I will not sleep again that night, because I will be only thinking and rethinking about the contents of the dream, not able to shut it.

The isolation I've endured after Troya's death and my having to be stranded in the desert only makes this worse.  When I have "live people" around me, they help to keep me grounded, in the present, not all the time encouraging the free association machine directly.  Sometimes it is as though I am trapped in my own head, my own thoughts and I can't escape them.

In normal everyday life, I am so busy analyzing say, a question put to me, that I will get lost in that analysis and delay answering, not be able to answer you, or I will simply blurt out any answer to fill the space while I'm still thinking about it.

So I am living amongst "a crowd of people" in my mind, while at the same time physically living in near total isolation, and it is having it's toll on me.  Without the tether, or anchor of other people around me, I become so lost in my thoughts that I can no longer easily perform my ADLs.  I forget to bath, and I stop taking good toileting habits, forget healthy eating, being able to clean and organize my surroundings.

I have always been a creature of structure.  While it is difficult for me to engage structure from within, I thrive most when I am in an environment structured to help me function adequately throughout the day.  Where I am living (read: "surviving") currently is in the Mohave Desert, in a town completely isolated with under 3,000 people, no services, very little medical or appropriate therapeutic interventions to support me.

I can spend (unwanted) weeks at a time not speaking to anyone, and if I do it is usually just momentarily a neighbor.  My mental health is decompensating as well.  There are only county mental health providers out here, and they do not have the means to meet my needs.

I'm also currently dealing with the death of my BFF Troya Patch last year in October, dealing with her family,  and not having any legal assistance nor the ability to afford it, my rights are being trampled all over.  I have spent the entire year since she has died trying to secure legal help, but because I am only on SSDI, and it is a "probate" case I cannot find the help I need.  Her family has gone out of there way to libel and humiliate me, falsely accusing me of all kind of abominable things.

While my blog is an outlet for my frustration, it cannot assist me where I need help the most....I'm overwhelmed in an ocean of thoughts without an anchor.

~j

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