Sunday, January 17, 2016

The Pain of Loss, Stability, Friendship and Security, and those that would abuse it...

It has been a long time since I have written, and I apologize for that, best intentions aside...

Back in October 2014, I lost my best friend, been victimized by her family and subsequently have lost years of hard work and change and development in my soul since I learned about my ACC and ASD.  Since that time, I have had a number of people taking advantage of my, my naivete, my differences and deficits.

My friend "T", immediately recognized my differences and accepted me regardless.  When we both discovered my congenital brain defect and my autism diagnoses it was the missing piece to the puzzle of my life and all the suffering I had been put through.  If it were not for her I would not have sought the medical treatment for my liver, all the way back then that set forward a series of domino events that ended in my ACC and ASD diagnoses.  And when all of that came to the fore, she supported my journey all the more and protected me from those who would try to hurt me, was my advocate and best friend.

Since the time of her death, I have faced not only the loss of someone who we considered ourselves brother and sister (I have that in her own handwriting) but the loss of stability, close friendship, security, advocacy, and much more.

She worked hard to bolster up my self-esteem, never letting me think less of myself.  I guess I could say that some of that did "rub off" on me, as today I am a stronger person, but the pain of loss is still unbearable.

People with ACC and ASD do not face change easily.  The disruption in routine, daily life and environment is profoundly disabling for us.  For an NT this is never a big deal, they change, they adapt and they move forward.  But for people like me, it is like going backwards thousands of miles and dozens of years in development.

I depend upon sameness in everything to cue me into daily habits and such that NTs find automatic.  This includes things like bathing, oral care, proper eating and feeding, organization of my life and surroundings.  Without that sameness I have no foundation in my life or ability to replicate even the simplest of tasks.

Since my friend died, I have been in a wilderness, with no foundation, nothing familiar.  She left me a small amount of money for my needs, which lasted a small amount of time.  I am truly grateful for that.  Yet, on Social Security Disability, I have to survive on money well  below the poverty level.  Less than $800 a month, to house, feed, take care of medical, transportation...

Because of this, I had to remain open to those out there who said that they would help me, be there for me, etc...but I have found many of them to simply want to take advantage of a vulnerable person.  I was moved across the entire country, because I trusted someone that said that they would "be the family I never had", would "pay half my housing, using the other half as 'office space'" be my In Home Support Services, help me "plug into services..." Instead, this person has manipulated me, taken my money, literally made me homeless turning off the electricity to where I was staying, never offering a penny in help but instead milking my own funds and bank account.

To say I am bitter is an understatement...

And there were those who saw and were aware that this person continued to do those things to me, but they shamed ME, trying to gaslight me and convince me that I WAS in the wrong for bringing this person's crimes to the fore.

All this has lead to my being put on the radar with Adult Protective Services, and I guess I should be very glad for that.  The police are now investigating the crimes against me, and APS, along with an advocate who lives far away from me are trying their damndest to get me housed and protected.  I am grateful to be certain, but why does it take being dislocated from one's housing for it to come on the radar that crimes are being committed against me? T's own family, after she passed continue a campaign of harassment that was seemingly never ending, but at the time I didn't have an advocate.  I do now, so I'm far less worried about them and others who would seek to take advantage of me.  Having moral and intelligent and legal advocacy has gone a long way to help me.

I'm currently displaced, living in a motel paid for by APS and they are working full time to get me housed.  We are working to get me into housing for seniors and disableds.  I have been accepted but we are working on getting my service dogs allowed.  The hoops I have to jump through are just debilitating in themselves.

The really sad thing is, though, is that my story is not unique.  Having talked to other adults with autism and ACC, it is a sad reality that many of us are continually taken advantage of, abused, gaslighted throughout our lives.  Without exageration, I can think of at least a dozen others I have talked to, just in the past few months that have gone through or are currently going through similar situations to my own.

The developmentally disabled adult in our society is at risk of constant abuse.  People look at me and have the arrogance to say "you don't look disabled."  What the HELL does that "look like"?  The truth is it looks like YOU.  Those of us with so-called "invisible disabilities" are constantly at risk for this kind of treatment.  People think because I can drive a car (under certain circumstances) and wipe my own ass, that I am just like them, that I should be held to their standard.   It is too painful for them to imagine anything else.

ACC, as with autism is a very spectrum type disorder.   And it helps not to think of this as an A-Z or 1-10 phenomenon.  Rather than saying we are "low-functioning" or "high-functioning", that we have for example "A-F" missing (or F through Z) most of us are more like a block of swiss cheese.  I might have A and F and P and R, S, W and X missing, while I might even excel in some of those other letters.

So THIS is why I haven't written in so long, I've not had any security or stability in my life for a very long time... I am grateful to "L" (my advocate) and to Richard from Adult Protective Services.  I am grateful for the detectives investigating the crimes done against me.  I'm just thoroughly exhausted having to go through this.

And there has also been constant threats, gaslighting and abuse coming from a few people when I write posts.  This is why I have comments blocked expect when I approve them.  All those abusive posts are put into a file and available to the authorities now.

For all my faithful followers of A Boy With a Whole in His Head, I want to express my gratefulness, and ask for your prayers and well wishes.

I'll try to write again soon.

1 comment:

  1. Praying this all gets resolved quickly; love you :)