Relationships~Too Quick to Burn Bridges...aka Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop...

I want to write about relationships...everything from friendships to significant others, keeping in mind the old saw "if you've met one person with ACC you've met one person with ACC," my experiences are my own...

When I was very young, I recall trying to initiate relationships-friendships with enthusiasm.  I also remember this zeal dying quite early in my life.  Unlike typical ASD, most of us with ACC want to have friendships and relationships, but we tire of the cycle in which invariably it will turn south.  I have always been aware that I have the ability (in spades) of gaining rapport with people, it is just what to do after I have gained rapport that has always troubled me.

I'm charming, eloquent, intelligent, yet facing maintaining relationships I shrink at the task.

I suppose I'm jaded because in many ways I have given up trying.  I have come to accept that all people will come and go in my life, none will stay, not even family.  I can think of perhaps two exceptions to this, people I held dear and they the same of me, but unfortunately they are gone off this earthly plain.

Even besides the social difficulties present with my ACC, the truth is I am downright quirky, and I know it.  I know that my actions and reactions to all things of life can look odd or strange to those not looking through my eyes.  Again, the exceptions to the rule are those fully acquainted with ACC either because they or their loved ones are born with it.

In many ways, I just don't give people a chance to get close to me, because I expect that either they or I will burn the bridge that unites us eventually.  I have gotten so used to this happing that often I will jump the gun and sabotage a relationship, just to avoid the pain of them cutting it off and ending it.  I walk on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

While this isn't the case in all of my life's circumstances it is for a large part of them.  I have come to accept and expect this so that when it does occur I'm not let down by it.  Every once and a while I am surprised by someone who, by hook or crook is exposed to me and my ACC and loves me not just in spite of it, but because of it.

"T" was one like this.  She so embodied acceptance and non-judgemental living that when I was first diagnosed with ACC she explained how she had already observed all of what I was, even prior to diagnoses and accepted me just as I showed up without and preconceptions.  It was this unconditional love and support that helped me through the initial discovery of my condition and beyond.

In a sense, it was she who taught me about unconditional love, or at the least demonstrated it to me so that I might model it within myself.

Even with all the above I've written about relationships and waiting for the other shoe to drop, T taught me first and foremost about self-acceptance.

Discovering my ACC had two sides to it.  Immediately after I was diagnosed I experienced the "AHAA" moment, the light bulb over my head, the answer to so many of life's questions, the "why" of who I was.  Yet at the same time I remember looking at the brain scans with my missing corpus callosum and enlarged ventricles in horror and disgust.  The finality of being born with this congenital defect hit me like a ton of bricks a short time later.  Dealing with feelings of inadequacy, of brokenness, defectiveness, I was so grateful to have her in my life.

T would have been the first to admit how imperfect a human being she was, in fact, she would often laugh at herself, not take herself so seriously.  I also had this wonderful behavior to model, and I work daily now towards self-acceptance.

Those of us with ACC and ASD are always pre-judging our behavior. We over analyze pretty much everything we say and do, and second guess ourselves.  This is (for me) one reason that socializing is so exhausting.  On the one hand, we over analyze, on the other, through lack of executive function we jump the gun and over or under react to a given situation, then in retrospect beat ourselves up for it.  Day by day, little by little I grow some beyond this.  I don't know that I will never not do it, but through modeling behavior and learning to live with the hardware I was given life shines just a little bit brighter.

Another great example for me to model has been the many parents of children and adolescents with Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum that I have almost daily contact with, via support groups, email and in person contact.  These parents strive to both improve their loved one's quality of life while also working to accept them just as they are.  Needless to say, I didn't grow up with the best of examples in this regard.

Also, a great help have been the many adults with ACC that I have contact with.  They have shown me that we all daily rise to our own challenge, bravely and brilliantly, and that I am not alone in this.

This post has been more "stream of thought" than anything else, I had intended to go into a detailed analysis of relationships, but it is what it is...

Thank you for listening,

~Joseph